


FMALEX

by Darkshogun93



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003), Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Action/Adventure, Alternate Universe, Comedy, Drama, Insanity, Original Character(s), Other, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-13
Updated: 2020-03-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:21:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23130862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darkshogun93/pseuds/Darkshogun93
Summary: Ever wonder what happens when a complete loser/piece of dirt goes to a world unlike his own and has to "Help" Save it? No, Too bad for that world because its getting a hero...unfortunately its some kid from Chicago who can't keep his trap shut to save his life, which results in him becoming the most wanted person in this world. Strap up your boots and ready your pocket watches for this hopefully hilarious romp and parody/Love letter to the Fma series.Inspired by: Guns Akimbo, Shoot Em Up, Hardcore Henry, and The Legend of Neil.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 4





	FMALEX

Chapter 1: Meet the Nimrod

All across the Universe and beyond, realities create, die, merge, and all that crap. Filled to the brim with various people, very important and reliable people who can do anything they put their minds to and come out a hero with a heroic legend to boot….this is not that tale, at least...it didn't start that way. Nope, This story starts like how most jokes start. Being brutally hungover..

“CRAAAP.”, said a voice from darkness as its eyes open and shut trying to adjust to a bright light. 

In this brightness the silhouette of a hand reaching out to cover it as the eyes adjust, we see the person has pale skin, blue eyes, black hair, an orange hoodie, and a sticker on his hand marked “Get Lucked '' in bad English. We cut to a teenage male aged 19-20 looking worse for wear, his eyes are red and sunk in as he appears to have puked at one point.

“Oh jesus...where the hell am I?”, he asked while rising up to an outdoor environment. 

The world around him looked similar to where he came from...where was that you ask? Chicago of all places. But this looks like a place in early summer! Where he was last time he remembered was dead set in winter still. He looked around all confused wiping the sleep and drool from his eyes and mouth, he stood around for a second before vomiting on the earth below. He breathed heavily as he let it all spill to the ground. He shivered as he collected himself and started walking.

“Oh god...ugh..don’t remember eating lemon. Eck..I’m gonna get the crap kicked out of me am I?, He thought to himself as he walked along the woodland area.

The sky was blue, the birds were chirping, the animals were covered in flies and not a single piece of water bottle debris in sight. This was incredibly weird for this young man as he kicked rocks with his dirty boots. The boy then pulled out a blocky cellphone, an obviously old cell phone with a few cracks on the side. He holds it in the air as he turns it on, he points it in every direction imaginable as he grows more concerned.

“Damn not a single signal around here. I must be deep out of town, must have run down a bike trail or something.” he said, putting it away.

He notices a stream nearby, being hungover and incredibly dry from the sun he goes to it to wash his face and drink. The water was surprisingly cool and clean in this place. He was actually relieved to have nature give him something good instead of a bee sting on his tongue that he experienced on a fourth of July block party. As he drinks something approaches him from behind, but he did not care due to his thirst. 

CLICK CLICK

His eyes wide mid slurp as he turns to see the barrel of a Magnum pointed right at his head. The boy was frozen in place unable to breath or put his hands down, then he looked up to see who was holding the gun. It was a woman in her early to mid 30’s, blonde hair curled into a crunch bow, wearing a weird outfit that looked like something from a comic book convention or something, then the weirdest part happened..she was carrying a ww1 rifle. He had never seen that before..only in books and movies. He noticed it wasn’t just her, but twenty different people emerging while carrying weapons of their own, in fear he raised his hands terrified as he feared he was going to be mugged or worse by a bunch of cosplayers.

“Uh..L-Lovely day for a drink huh?”. He asked, looking at the woman.

“Be quiet unless spoken to, especially after trespassing on government land.”, The woman said coldly as she maintained her composure of utter stiffness.

“Now Lieutenant, let the kid explain before we take him.”, said a voice in the distance.

The kid looks to see another old dude with black hair and by what anyone can describe a smug grin as he strutted up while wearing a black coat over his outfit...in summer weather of all things. The woman still glares at the boy as he nervously shakes.

“Look I don’t know where the hell I am, but I damn sure didn’t know I’m at a private meeting of whatever Ren-Fest or whatever you guys were doing! I swear I will leaveI got here hungover I guess and I do-” he stops as the gun is pointed closer.

“Usually trespassers on private government property are shot on sight, boy. What is your name?”The man asked, losing the smirk.

“My-uh...my names Alex...Alex Alexi Alexander! I swear please just let me go and I’ll leave.”, he said pleading as an awkward silence was heard.

“Your name is just Alex three times...you expect us to believe that?”he said, confused.

“uuh..ITS THE TRUTH you Ass-” Alex Snapped until the gun got closer, “Do you mind not doing that?!”alex said, putting his hand up to reveal the sticker had fallen off.

The man looked at Alex's hand while squinting, he saw something that made his eyes widen with shock. He sees an ouroboros tattooed on it. His fist tightens as he feels he needs to do something other than destroy this creature.

“Colonel Mustang?”Lieutenant Hawkeye asked, not breaking eye contact with Alex.

The boy just looked more confused and scared, not noticing the tattoo on his hand. He tries to plead as it falls on deaf ears. 

“Look Please, I must've got drunk and wondered here. I don’t want to get in trouble. I just want to go home.”, he asked near the point of hysterics.

“I am sorry.”, Mustang said in a sigh of defeat and calm rage, “I'm afraid that is out of the question. A superior of mine has been looking for those like you and with that..you have to come along with us.” He said to him with a sense of threat.

Alex darted up at how insane this all is, no warrant, no cuffs, no squad car, and no arrest at a kids birthday party that he witnessed when the clown blew a balloon out his ass in front of his ex wife. Utter insanity that honestly a wise person would follow...sadly this kid is an Idiot wrapped in uneducated sheets.

“NO! Listen here colonel jackass! I am a citizen of the United Damn States of America! I demand a Lawyer, a witness trial, a cup of coffee, and above all else new clothes because I just vomited on myself and I don't have to follow you anyw-”

WHACK

Alex falls face first to the ground out cold, we pan up to see Lieutenant Haweye look as irritated as possible. She sighs in relief as finally there's a moment of peace and cooperation.

“Sigh...I can’t believe The Fuhrer is interested in these insane things. I guess we’re going by our dog nature after all.”. Roy said, putting his military cap on.

Riza follows as their men begin to drag Alex by the legs towards a Military Truck Convoy. In and out of consciousness, Alex’s world begins to fade to black as words and sounds begin to fade. Could this be death for him? Oh boy he wished.

Alex eyes then shoot open in shock. He looks left and right before bolting up. His head was throbbing with pain as he the rush of life takes over.

“God..that mfmmm, Jesus. Gonna sue after this.”, he said, rubbing the back of his head. His eyes then grew wide as he looked at the new surroundings.

The world around him was a black void with zero sound, no other forms of exiTs, no floors, no sign of walls in place. He gets up shaking as he tries to call out for someone.

“Uh...hello?”Said Alex nervously as he held his hands together like scared little toddler.

Nothing but silence was heard, Alex then decided to walk ahead. Alex grew more and more nervous. Hoping to find the edge of a door he then began running, but it felt like he was running in place with zero luck whatsoever. He then breaks down and sobs.

“Oh god! Oh god I’m stuck in a void! My ex’s fortune teller mom was right! Oh god how was she right!,” he screamed, pounding his fist to the voided ground.

“Having problems?”, said a friendly pitched voice that caused Alex to stop.

With the twist of his head he turned to see someone just sitting there in a meditative stance. He was a young Chinese looking guy, looked 20 something...kinda tall. He was wearing clothes straight out of a rock show complete with bandaged hands like a video game character. He was shocked to see another person in here, but hey if someone else got in they have to know how to get out.

“Huh?! Hey! Who are you!”, he said while turning his whole body and pointing at the man.

“Oh me? Names Ling, Ling yao at your service..I guess.”, Ling said, poking his own chin.

“Where are we?”Said Alex while he laid his arms around.

Ling opened his eyes more with a slight humorous look. He chuckled as he popped his fingers and arms.

“Ain't it obvious? We’re in your mind.”, Ling said casually.

“Oh come on I may have dropped out at 13, but I got my GED so I Ain’t that stupid you expect me to believe I’m in a...mind void or some crap?”,Said Alex as he put his hands on his hips glaring at him.

“Hey I didn’t expect to wander into another person's brain today. Especially since I’m having my own bodily problems, but hey...here I am. BUT, and here's a Big but! I am here to assist you, so you don’t die horribly thanks to the powers that be.”,Ling said, holding his hands out assuring Alex. 

“Who and how?”,Alex asked while raising an eyebrow.

Ling Shrugs with his arms with a confused expression. Alex sighs as he sits back down holding his head. He leans back as he just contemplates the situation.

“Sigh...God I wish I stayed sober.”,Alex said bitterly.

“That would’ve been a wiser choice.”,Ling said bluntly.  
“Thanks…”,Alex said with a sour frown. 

“Now my poor pitiful sir, Don’t despair at all. Look things are hopeless, but hey they could be wor-ACK!”Ling said before his eyes went wide and his neck cracked.

Alex looks at this with some surprise at this apparent outburst mid sentence.

“Woah dude, Are you okay Ling?!”He asked as Ling had his head down.

Ling didn’t move for 4 seconds before raising his head up with a very ominous chuckle.

“Me? Yeah...I'm fine kid, but I’m not ling, the names greed.”, Said Ling with a more masculine for his size voice.

“Huh.”, Alex said with a weirded out look.

Greed got up and walked to Alex, crouching down with a grin that reeked of overconfidence. 

“Yea, Weird stuff right? But that’s not the end of it...so why don’t you do yourself a favore and wake up.”, he said before placing his hand on Alex’s face casing it to light up.

Alex then darts up panting, his clothes are filthy, and hes surrounded in a dark stone covered room complete with bedding and barred door. He looks around panting and confused trying to calm himself in the silence.

“Oh crap, oh jeez, Oh man where am I now?! Oh I think I’m in jail...huh Always thought it’d be smaller...well at least I can put aside that Greedylingy guy thing as a dream.

“Note quite man.”, Greed said, switching on a light causing Alex to fall out of the bed.

“Oh god! Don’t Do that! Try to give my ass a heart attack why don’t ya!”, Alex shouted, holding on to his heart.

Greed rolled his eyes as he walked over to drag alex back up. His hands were not normal at this point, they looked like smooth stone like claws ripping his jacket to shreds with each tug.

“Yeah I don’t really care, now time to get up and get ready for dinner!”, Greed said irritated slightly.

“Dinner?! What Kind of Jail is this?!”, Alex said crossing his arms.

Greed opens the door pointing his index finger to the opening.

“One where if you don’t drop the hissy fit crap you get worse than a bonk on the head.”, he said, showing his claws out.

Alex held his hands up as he walked out, they walk down a hallway that just went deeper and deeper like a coal shaft his Russian foster dad took him to, but the more they went in they saw these metal pulling pipes start to cover the walls like veins with something to a red glow slightly emanating from them. Alex shrugged that off as possible head trauma kicking in and looked forward as the air current felt like it was growing colder.

“Ughh you guys forget to pay your heating bill...that was a joke.”,Said Alex obviously being sarcastic.

“No, but did you hear the one about the annoying brat who got a pipe up his behind if he didn’t keep his mouth shut. If not, can I tell it now? The endings scream.”,Greed asked with a smirk. 

Alex zipped his lips not wanting to become a living pogostick. The darkness began to fade as they approached an opening to a room covered with visible pipes sticking from the floor, stone floor, and oddly enough a table with Ten different seats with one in the back that was the largest of them. On the table had pitchers filled with red liquid almost visible as cranberry juice, but it looked more thick than juice. His eyes widen as he thinks its blood, he’s seen too many movies and fanart at events he was volunteering at to know this is a major red flag.

“Oh my Jeebus.”, Said Alex, feeling the ominous JUJU in the room.

“What did I just say about not talking?”greed said, turning.

Alex tries to back away nervously, realizing the possibility of a human carcass eating or worse brainwashing session masked as “Dinner”.

“OKAY This is weird! Dark place underground, scary Chinese man with blade fingers, and a cultish table that belongs in a Who done it movie really sets the bar for red flag warning of the year. I’ll just go back to my room or cell and wait for either a lawyer or better wake up in a drunk tank with my foster folks on their way to collect me-”, He said, panicking right before he turned to see a literal giant snake behind him, “Holy God! Oh Jesus murphy!”,Alex said, screaming like a total small child while scurrying on the floor.

The snake hissed for a moment as it began to chuckle, then burst into a laughter that sounded bizarrely human.

“Hahaha oh my that was priceless, I mean the look on your face was exquisite! What a weakling!”, The snake laughed as its body began to morph into something with human features.

“I swear Envy your idea of humor rivals that of toddlers.”, Green said while putting his hands into his pockets. 

The snake morphed into a guy…..so to speak, a fit looking man. He wore a black skirt, socks with visible feet holes, a black tank top, and oddly enough he had hair that was spaced so much it looked like the leaves of the palm tree.

“The tap dancing hell..” Said alex.

The person dubbed envy hoisted his arm out for Alex to grab, out of fear he did and was promptly lifted up to greet his sinister expression.

“So this is the new guy eh? Interesting, I wonder what type you are...whether or not your useful or not.”, Said Envy getting too close to Alex's face.

“Oh dude, breath mints. Not expensive yeesh”, Alex said while cringing away.

Envy looks at him with an embarrassed look followed by dropping him to the floor. Then placing his foot on his chest, Alex felt like 14 elephants were pressing down on him. He struggled trying to hit Envy's leg as if he's calling it quits.

“Pitiful, learn your place you little runt. If you ever disrespect me like that again. I'll cut that annoying tongue out of your mouth and feed it to you.”, Envy said, lifting his foot off.

Alex gasps for air as he can finally breathe again. He felt like he was up against a walking cement factory.

“WHAT THE FRIGGEN HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM YOU JERKFACE!”, Alex Snapped.

“WHAT IS IT WITH YOU AND NOT SHUTTING UP!”, Both envy and greed yelled.

“ENOUGH.”, a commanding voice said.

The three of them look to a pale man wearing a white robe, his face concealed by darkness as he sits in the chair. His hand gripped a goblet as the other raises it up to greet the new arrival.

“Pardon your brothers, they are a tad emotional.”, He said Twirling his up, “Either way...Welcome Home my son.”, said the man as a larger man came from behind him.

“OOOH new guy….can I eat him?”, the Large man said.

“Gluttony...Shut up.”, Envy said storming over to the table.

Alex sees all of this with the utmost dumbfounded look, seeing all these weird Cenobite looking Albinos and weird cult leader looking big guy calling him son for some reason. He could only say what was on his mind.

“Dude what the actual fu-” , He said before cutting to black.

TO BE CONTINUED!


End file.
